Because Not Knowing Hurts

He smiles, and his eyes sparkle furiously. She looks so beautiful, naturally, her smile makes her whole face light up and shine. He aches for her to look up, look over; catch his eye. But their darting glances are shy, narrow paths that miss each other despite their souls aching for contact.
She watches him carefully, furrowed brow, hurried pen, -he stops.
She sees the calmness in his face, he looks up; hopeful eyes. She hurriedly looks away, down, at her book. Their gazes meet for a split second then retract, hide. 

So cried yesterday after quite some time but the feeling was just as fresh. What triggered it? Adeline's blog post. Promises. It was like my life story told, a part of it. Her experience brought back a rush of memories. Happy memories. The Golden Memories, they say. The ones that hurt a lot to think back about. I wonder if he even remembers them. 

Last night I realized there was so much I was hiding from myself. All those sadness and crushed feeling just came rushing to the surface drowning the person I tried to be, those empty promises I made to myself. I have apologised to God countless of times and still am for all those negative thoughts I had, for the horrible things I've said to him or about him, for being like this. 

Temper. Getting me nowhere since the very beginning. When he told me that I didn't need to know the reason why he left me in the first place was just I don't know, hurtful? I was a little angry because I have every right to know and no he does not have the right to keep it from me. No! No! No! 1 year 3 months is no short period. I admit, there was a part of me who just wanted to respond "Okay. That thing doesn't matter." but if I did, I would have only been lying to myself because it always matters when you're left without being told the reason why. Abandoned just like that. No small thing. It makes you wonder all the time of what you did wrong, fills up your mind with all the unworthy thoughts and there you are trying to pick up the broken pieces. 

Convo with Kuga, earlier today at her house.

"What if he has a good reason behind it?"

"What if he really is gonna die?"

"Everybody would die someday"

"What if he dies now? In 1-2 years?"

"He could be just lying"

"No one lies about the same thing again and again."

"He is trying to save you. An early step. Imagine if he dies when you guys are together."

"I wouldn't care."

"Ya dei, ya. He broke your heart itself you're already like this. If he dies, pochi. You'd be a gone case." 

 "He hates me. He LIKED me and now everything is screwed."

"He still likes you lah."

 As much as I wanna believe all that she has said, I just can't. 

 Maybe I'm a little stupid and a little scared. Or maybe I'm just plain sad.

Adeline's blog post - Click to open.

First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part

And the third, is when your splits down the middle

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself

Fifth, you see them out with someone else

And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little.