I'm Not A Toy

You can't just go around toying with my feelings like this. It hurts you know.

 Its so easy for you to say you don't have feelings for me anymore after all these while, to say I'm just a friend but its not easy for me to accept cause I never stopped loving you even after we broke up.

But you stopped as soon as we broke up,right?

I just can't believe it. All those time we spent together, the words said, all that was fake?

 "Just as a friend."

My heart was shattered and you kept on repeating yourself to be someone called Bryce?! Even Harz said so. Am I supposed to believe? I don't know. Is it true? I don't know. I don't even speak to you so how am I supposed to believe? You still look the same to me.

 

They said you're gone. You don't exist anymore. You can't just leave like that. Its unfair. You just can't. No. Cannot. And people don't go away like that. No. I'm still here stuck with my feelings for you. My unconditional love for you.What do you expect me to do? Forget you? Stop loving you? Its not that easy. Yeah I'm a bitch right?! I'm a bitch who only wants YOU!

You wanna leave? Then leave after you free me from this pain. From this feelings I have for you. Don't leave me hanging here like a fool,waiting.

I just wish I could just face you and tell how I actually  feel so at least then you'll have the slightest clue of how much it hurts. How much your words had affected me. I hope I don't break down and start crying at school itself tomorrow.

Perfect!

One of the best days ever. I'm all lovey dovey now. Why?

Its because I had a great time with you. Terrific.

It started on bad as I was not in a very good mood but trust me, I HAD NO IDEA WHY. You kept on asking

"You angry with me?"

And I replied you with silence which did hurt me. I'm sorry. 

I got all correct for my maths work but I didn't dare to ask you for my reward cause you somehow told me you can't and oh well I pretended like I didn't hear it. YOU DID SAY IT KAYY!

So, I insisted for the punishment instead. A slap. No no, two slaps but you didn't do it. You rather cut yourself than slapping me?! What?! Ish! You're MINE so you have no rights to hurt yourself. Had fun snatching that penknife from you. We were so close. Woah. 

Your bag was so nice to hug,like a pillow and hey I heard what you said! But I pretended like I didn't. I'm not that deaf and blur kay.

"Why not me?Why?"

Well,erm it was something like that right? Right?! xD 

We were all alone and then Ramu and Siva came. I did not welcome their presence but oh well, it did help change my mood. The conversations you guys had was just too funny. I liked it when you chased them out of class. Finally, some privacy! 

I was feeling so sleepy since I couldn't sleep last night for an unknown reason. 

I was sleeping and you gave me more maths work to do. Linear equation some more! But surprisingly I understood how to do. Magic?

You were talking away and I was listening. The sound of your voice was like a lullaby making me sleepier. That's why I kept on asking you to talk something. 

You said I kissed you the other the day was just because of the dare and it seriously disappointed you. Trust me,the dare was just a boost, I wanted to do it anyways since I do it in my dreams. 

I kept on staring at you and amazingly you read my mind. I wanted to kiss you again. Haha! And I was extremely happy when you allowed me to do it. Wow! Gotta agree it was pretty awesome. Way better than before. 

I liked it when you touched my cheeks when I said "Sorry". I definitely loved it when you came close while I was sleeping, held my hand and stroked my hair once. Made my sleep worthwhile. Thank You. It was really sweet.

"I love you"

"I love you too"

You seriously made me laugh so badly listening to that recording. It was hilarious. Never knew that word is a word full of possibilities. 

Adjective! xD

You said,

"You're laughing and I'm enjoying it"

Why did you say that? I still can't figure it out. -.-

When you fed me that chocolate bun, I seriously felt like a puppy and you were my Master but I so liked it. And wheee, I'm getting a cake the next time.

Lalala

Its almost a week now since it happened but the memory of it is still fresh in mind. The nervousness, the fear and the happiness retrieved is unforgettable. The touch of his lips was so mesmerizing.

I wasted about 10 minutes, getting the courage to do it and wondering how would you react but it took me only a second  to get it done.

I was like wheeeee. But I just said it in my head, so no one else heard it but me. I tried to act as random as possible after that. He sat there staring at me. I didn't dare to look him in the eye, I was afraid I'll be lost in thoughts.

"We're in the classroom,learning maths and you kissed me.

Those were the words I guess. LOL.

"Why did you kiss me?"

*And this when the Master's dialogue came in use,

"Chumma! Wanted to try it."

He said he dare to kiss me;cause I only kissed him for a second. I was like "really? K fine. Err NO! Mm fine. No! And that made him say I was scared. How dare he!!!! It really ticked me off so I agreed cause I'm a fearless bastard! xD But he said I can't close my eyes. What?!?!

When I close my eyes, I see a world of possibilities and I like my eyes shut so of course there weren't an agreement about that. Technically,he kissed me for a second too and since I was a fearless bastard, I said I could do it longer and ended up kissing him for owh well,embarrassing but err just 3 seconds?!

It seemed like a competition of who can kiss the longest. I didn't actually like that because it is supposed to be done willingly not by being provoked or dared.

Any how, it was still awesome. I loved it!

Disaster

Today did not turn out to be exactly like how I wanted it! I had a terrible headache all of a sudden and it was hurting like mad but it was gone then.

You were with your friends and I was all alone. I wanted to come over but you seemed busy. I guess you were having a very important conversation with your friend so I didn't want to disturb you. I thought he'd be gone in few minutes time but he stayed for a really long time.

I heard you talking.You were real loud. It sounded like you guys were debating on something maybe. I don't know but you seemed occupied and I felt that if I go to you that time, I would have surely ruined the fun you guys were having.

So, I still sat down there all alone doing MATHS wishing you were around to teach me.

Out of the blue, Charath came and almost gave me a heart attack. The convo:

Charath : Why are you sitting here ALONE? 

Me : Because I wanna be alone (what a lie!)

Charath : Yaya! He went back already. He's not around

For a moment, I wondered how blind could he be!

Me: He's right over there. 

Charath: *horrified*! Owh, I didn't see. Why aren't you sitting there with him? 

Me: *tried to look unbothered*  Neah. He seems busy. Later maybe?

Charath: Owh ya. He's talking to a guy.

Me: Err,yeah. *turned to look at him then continued doing Maths*

And there I was thinking what on earth is happening? Should I go? What is he thinking, etc! My head was loaded with questions and that's when headache struck again. OUCH! 

Luckily I had Charath to distract me or else I would have screamed in pain. He was cracking some jokes and I played along just to avoid questioning myself. There were times I turned to look whether you were still busy and every time I turned I got the same result. B-U-S-Y! 

Charath: Ashi, so long already. Why not going? 

Me: Can't you see he's busy? I don't wanna disturb him.

Charath: Fuh! He's busy ah? So got timing all lar?

Me: -.- watever!

And we continued doing random stuffs.

One part, I saw your friend walk away and I was like 'Yay! Finally!' but when I turned around to look at you,  YOU WERE MISSING and I was like "Eh? Where is he?"

Me: Charath! He's not there! :o

                              Charath: Eh? Where he went??

Me: How would I know?? 

Indhu: Desire Knight! :D

Me: Indhu!!! Mana itu satu lagi Knight?? 

Indhu: He ah?! Err, I saw him jalan that way. 

Me: Which way??

Indhu: That way! *points towards the dewan*

Me: Owh that way! Thanks! *surprised...continued doing maths!*

Few minutes later, you came walking by...

Charath: Ashi! He's there! He's coming this way. I think he's coming here.

Me: *Enlighten* I turned to look and wheee you were there!* No, Charath! I don't think so he'll be coming here. (I was wishing you'd come)

Wish did not come true. You just walked away to your place.....

Me: *disappointed*  I told you so! =='

Charath: Owh! Oops.

You were alone for a while....

Charath: Ashi, he wants you there lar. Go!

Me: Shuddup! 

Charath: Eei seriously lar. He really wants you there. I can see it from his face and I know you want to go also.

Me: -.- 

Charath: Go lar! He's alone now. Want me to go and tell him you want to come over?

Me: That guy is gonna appear any time soon. NO! Don't do that.

Charath: OK fine! We'll wait for 10 seconds and if that guy doesn't come back, I'll go and call Shri to come and sit with us!

Me: What??!! First, Why 10 seconds? Second, why wanna go call? Third, err that guy is back!! =(

Charath: *speechless for a few minutes.* Owh Ashi, see now Ramesh also there. See lar!

Me: Ya I know. I saw! 

I tried to take it positively and continued doing random stuffs with Charath. I was trying hard to get it out of my head but I couldn't take it already. I wanted to be with you! So I turned to look one last time but guess what, YOU WERE MISSING AGAIN and this time nobody knew which way you went. I had a really bad feeling about it. I waited for quite some time but you never came back. 

I and Charath kinda searched for you. I noticed that your bag wasn't around. I found out....you left. You went back an hour earlier than the time you were supposed to. You know how I felt? I felt bad! I felt horrible. I felt like crying but I did not because I'm just a puppet what!

Charath told we should go down to the pavilion to watch the match and I just agreed. When reached the pavilion, I don't know why but I seriously had the feeling that you were around. I was supposed to sit down with the rest to watch the match but I somehow ended up walking down the walkway all the way outside with no intention of doing so. 

But when I reached down, I felt so dead. So lifeless. I didn't see you anywhere. I couldn't get to go to the bus stop since it was too crowded. I just stood at one place stared at the ground and wondered how worthless could I be? "Did I make you angry? I'm just too bad right? I suck to the max right? I'm sorry." And ergh I hate tears! 

After some time, unbelievably you just walked pass me with Afiq, I guess. At that moment, I felt like killing someone. Anyone! I had no idea why. Sickening!

Hurting

At one point, have you ever felt like killing yourself is the only best option you have? I'm feeling it right now. I just so desperately wanna die. Seriously. Almost cut myself yesterday but too bad mom found me too early. She panicked when she saw me lying on the cold floor with a blade,freezing, crying. I kept staring at your name on my palm.

Then, I quickly ran to my room, got into the covers and started crying. My mom kept on asking what happened and it made me cry even more and all of a sudden I found myself hugging her and crying my heart out. She was really surprised cause I had NEVER cried this badly before. You know, NEVER! 

She patted my head and asked the reason I was crying but I just couldn't tell. The only sentences that I said was "I disappoint people!" and "I want to sleep" which I did not do. I've gotten a very high fever but I spent the whole night crying and I still am. It's amazing that my tears were flowing non-stop like a river. 

Harz is right. She didn't hurt my feelings cause I don't have feelings,right?! I'm just another puppet that people can play with.  

Yesterday, I was waiting for a really long time just for you to come online. And when you finally came, you had no idea how happy I was but at the end nothing happened. You went off just like that leaving me hanging here all alone. Ya, I know it was because you were disappointed. I did hurt right?! I mean, a lot?! You deserve better and I'm extremely sure you really hate me now. I am sorry for hurting you and I am really sorry for wasting your time.

Ya, I don't tell you anything. What you want me to tell? You want me to tell the reason I didn't like the Maths tutoring that day was because she was there? Because she ruined the only time I got to spend with you?! Because most of the time it was all about HER?! You know why I didn't tell?! Its because I was surprised that you didn't understand that. You didn't realize it although you were there the whole time but my friends were there only for a while and they knew how I exactly felt. I was scared that if I told you, there was a great possibility that I might have cried on the spot and I so didn't want to hurt you.

You want me to tell how I feel about you?! I like you, I adore you and something I like best about me is that I love you! I'm mad about you! You're my obsession! You want me to say that I ALWAYS hover somewhere near wherever you are just to see you? JUST YOU? 

You want me to tell that it kills me when we just pass by each other like strangers?!

 You want me to tell how much I cried every night just for you?! You want me to tell how much I care for you? You want me to tell how bad it hurts knowing that I actually hurt you?! You want me to tell how it felt to be the BAD one? 

You want me to tell how much pain it caused me when your ex proved that I'm just too worthless? You want me to tell how much words had hurt me? You want me to tell how it felt when your ex told that you made the wrong choice? You want me to tell that you guys didn't understand? 

None of these??? Then, what else you wanna know?

I may not look hurt on the outside but on the inside there's a million shattered pieces waiting for you to pick them up and put them together...

I'm sorry for everything that I have ever said or done to hurt you. But mostly I'm sorry for my words and actions. Just 1 question left to ask. Will you forgive me?

WTH?!

I didn't mean to make him cry or put him in trouble. All I wanted was to GET AWAY from him but teacher made me to speak up and I had to tell her the cause. But I swear, I didn't mean to hurt him in any way. When, he looked at me with hatred in his eyes, I just didn't know what to do.

My friends said I did the right thing and that he deserved it but it made me feel bad. But at one part, when he called me a backstabber, it kinda made me mad. Not because he called me that, but because he haven't realized his mistake yet and blamed me for it.

I mean, come on, that's ridiculous. I was talking to Charath damn angrily and Puvee and Tharani were like "Chill! Cool down! Take it easy. It's getting very hot,dei. Relax! You might explode!" ROFL! Those two ah!

But in class, he totally went over the limits. You HATE me right, then come and tell it on my face! You want revenge? Take it on me not on my BOOKS or any of my STUFFS! Can't believe someone could actually go that low just to get revenge. Pathetic low life freaks! It totally pissed me off, man! I swear if I WAS a damn BOY with a KNIFE, I would have KILLED him right away! How awesome it would be if someone could actually punch him for me. Haiz...too bad no one's gonna do that!

I wish I could stab you again and again and again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Gosh, since I couldn't that, I was the sarcastic old me again. Sarcasm took control over me. I loved it especially when he didn't get to say back anything. Eunice was like "And I can't believe you're THIS SARCASTIC!" Charath and Vinnodth were trying their best to make us stop fighting.

They managed to make me stop but I totally wasn't satisfied. I mean, they're my books you idiot! How could you imagine hurting them??!! Ergh! What a fool he is!

 I was so angry but I couldn't release it cause I had my English sir hovering around us. Eeeeeee!!! I felt like screaming!! And that's when tears started filling my eyes. Ish! I convinced myself not to cry. I didn't want to give him the pleasure knowing that he managed to hurt me. No way! I tried my best to control the tears but....they somehow managed to fall. Dang! NO!

All of a sudden, he said sorry. 

I pretended like I didn't care! But he kept on saying it and once again I felt BAD! 

I still pretended like I didn't care and being the extra hyper type he is, he came forward to the place in front of me and started wiping my table with his BARE HANDS! He even used his PJ shirt, the freaking WHITE part of it to wipe my table! That made me felt EXTRA BAD and EXTRA MAD! I hate him for that! And guess what I did........... 

I snatched that shirt of his and OFFERED to WASH it for him because I felt like the cause of his shirt being dirty! I still believe so. And I can't believe I've actually forgiven him that easily. I hate my emotions. I wish I had no feelings. No mercy. No love. No patience. No pitying. Nothing at all.

What a loser I am! >_<