Hurting

At one point, have you ever felt like killing yourself is the only best option you have? I'm feeling it right now. I just so desperately wanna die. Seriously. Almost cut myself yesterday but too bad mom found me too early. She panicked when she saw me lying on the cold floor with a blade,freezing, crying. I kept staring at your name on my palm.

Then, I quickly ran to my room, got into the covers and started crying. My mom kept on asking what happened and it made me cry even more and all of a sudden I found myself hugging her and crying my heart out. She was really surprised cause I had NEVER cried this badly before. You know, NEVER! 

She patted my head and asked the reason I was crying but I just couldn't tell. The only sentences that I said was "I disappoint people!" and "I want to sleep" which I did not do. I've gotten a very high fever but I spent the whole night crying and I still am. It's amazing that my tears were flowing non-stop like a river. 

Harz is right. She didn't hurt my feelings cause I don't have feelings,right?! I'm just another puppet that people can play with.  

Yesterday, I was waiting for a really long time just for you to come online. And when you finally came, you had no idea how happy I was but at the end nothing happened. You went off just like that leaving me hanging here all alone. Ya, I know it was because you were disappointed. I did hurt right?! I mean, a lot?! You deserve better and I'm extremely sure you really hate me now. I am sorry for hurting you and I am really sorry for wasting your time.

Ya, I don't tell you anything. What you want me to tell? You want me to tell the reason I didn't like the Maths tutoring that day was because she was there? Because she ruined the only time I got to spend with you?! Because most of the time it was all about HER?! You know why I didn't tell?! Its because I was surprised that you didn't understand that. You didn't realize it although you were there the whole time but my friends were there only for a while and they knew how I exactly felt. I was scared that if I told you, there was a great possibility that I might have cried on the spot and I so didn't want to hurt you.

You want me to tell how I feel about you?! I like you, I adore you and something I like best about me is that I love you! I'm mad about you! You're my obsession! You want me to say that I ALWAYS hover somewhere near wherever you are just to see you? JUST YOU? 

You want me to tell that it kills me when we just pass by each other like strangers?!

 You want me to tell how much I cried every night just for you?! You want me to tell how much I care for you? You want me to tell how bad it hurts knowing that I actually hurt you?! You want me to tell how it felt to be the BAD one? 

You want me to tell how much pain it caused me when your ex proved that I'm just too worthless? You want me to tell how much words had hurt me? You want me to tell how it felt when your ex told that you made the wrong choice? You want me to tell that you guys didn't understand? 

None of these??? Then, what else you wanna know?

I may not look hurt on the outside but on the inside there's a million shattered pieces waiting for you to pick them up and put them together...

I'm sorry for everything that I have ever said or done to hurt you. But mostly I'm sorry for my words and actions. Just 1 question left to ask. Will you forgive me?