Teehee!

MATHS, I HATE YOU! I had to concentrate on you so hard, that I didn't get to sight-addikiran him properly also! There were a few times I did get to look at him without him noticing but he always tend to turn to look at my maths book to see whether I could do it or not! Ceh! My very caring teacher! xD

My friends? Gawd , were they annoying or what! I found out they actually bet with each other, that they could make me BLUSH! Huh? I mean why would I ever blush, rite?!
His friends? I bet they weren't like mine. I'm sure they didn't even ask anything!

They even asked, was I jealous seeing you talking more to that girl than to me? LOL? Why would I? I was enjoying the scene watching him teach her. It was hilarious and she is so nice.

 I was technically thinking how fun it would be if we could actually be like that? WOW! If only we talked to each other at school.! >_<

Talking? Both of us? Hahaha what a joke! 

He amazed me with his oddly great way of teaching. I sat there smiling to myself like an idiot and acted like its no big deal when he turned to look.

Then, it was over. Finish. Time to chao. And all I could do was sing but real soft so no one hears me. I wish he heard the lyrics!

Listen carefully to the lyrics of a girl's favourite song because those are the words she fail to say.

Guess what, I fell in love with him AGAIN! lol, I'm mad! xD

Haha I managed to solve one maths problem! xD

But look at the bright side! I am tired but happy. Just can't stop smiling for some reason.


And I was afraid that anything I said would probably make me look like a BIGGER IDIOT that he already thought I was.

But the main reason I couldn't talk to him was because I am suffering from a very severe and debilitating case of RCS, or Roller-Coaster Syndrome. Studies show that it mainly attracts girls between the ages of eight and sixteen.

The symptoms are difficult to describe, but whenever he talks to me, my tummy feels like I'm dropping three hundred metres at eighty miles per hour. Simply calling it "butterflies" is a common and dangerous misdiagnosis.

Suddenly and without any warning, I feel compelled to throw my hands up in the air (like I just don't care) and scream.........WHEEEEEEEEE!!!

P.S. If YOU'RE (him) reading this, I wanna tell ya that I managed to prove to you today, I'm not way better than you! I'm like the total opposite rite?! Muahahaha! And the reason, I randomly set off like a lunatic was cause there was this guy who loves to annoy me all the time. So, had to "escape"! xD
Btw THANKS and SORRY!

A Big NO!

You think I'm happy having it all locked up in my heart? You think I didn't want to tell you? Every single day, I wished I could tell you but I just didn't want you to worry. I thought I could overcome it. It was just a matter of time. I thought I could wait till then, try to experiment with myself. Do you realize how much your words affect me? Before you accused me, did you try to understand why I didn't tell? Did you bother to ask how I felt, keeping it all to myself?

Complications

A month ago, perfect happiness was mine. And now its been a week since I lost myself! Before we used to chat and now all I could do is just stare at your name and wonder could it be the same again?

I am trying my best to ignore you but I HAVE to, don't I? That's what you want right?! Want me to not exist in your life for some time!?! But having you ignore me is hard to accept. Ya I know I'm being selfish. I am sorry. 

Not knowing how you feel creates fear in my mind. The fear of loosing you.
You want to forget me for some time right? Go on but don't completely forget me that you wouldn't want to come back because I am still here waiting for you.

Do you?

I may look calm on the outside but I have so many things running through my mind.

 "Is he annoyed by my presence?"

 "Dang! Can I look at him?"

 "He's there! He's there! Don't look at him. Look down or somewhere else!"

 "OMG! I just passed by him! I shouldn't have! Great! Now he's surely mad!"

And all these leads to frustration. It makes me hate myself. I used to be really happy. Never knew what frustration was all about. I used to love myself to the maxx.

A lil of yesterday and today! (:

My Not-So-Awesome Yesterday

There's a perfect picture of him stuck in my head since yesterday. The moment when he had this awesome smile on his face, he turned to look around (I guess because of one of my so-called-bro! Thanks Eswar! -.-), and he saw ME who was like a complete nerd (Double Dork Diary is a really nice book! My eyes was glued to it!) but then I had this sudden urge to look away from the book and to my surprise,I looked at HIM and for a second, only a second I had eye contact then "POOF"!  Weird!

 And as usual, my brain turned into mush. Eeee his look was just so hypnotizing but then I remembered of my To-Do list and quickly turned away as though nothing happened (although EVERYTHING happened and I'm sure he did the same!) 

During BM, we had Lisan but I wasn't paying attention, still glued to the book and I was reading it in a real retarded way that I sprained my wrist! OUCH!!!! One of my friend tried to "fix" my hands as though he was an expert or something and guess what, DOUBLE OUCH!!!! Almost cried! Thanks Justin!!! Then we went to search for Pn. Ruby Tan to really fix my hands but great that woman was missing in action!!! ERGH! (What happened to her so-called psychic power? I was in PAIN!) 

When we went back downstairs, OMG I wished I had killed Justin!!! He went straight to HIM and said that I was in pain! Like who on earth cares especially HIM!! I got real pissed off! 

 I didn't want him to know cause I understand he'll be annoyed to hear anything about me and he surely wouldn't have bothered. Luckily I didn't stay long to see what happened next! I was so angry, I released my anger on Vinnodth and his bottle! Poor bottle, I threw it away real hard! 

And then there were this group of boys who were freaking annoying! They all surrounded me like SERIAL KILLERS!!! Poor me, all alone, had to face them!

They: Called me with nicknames that they named me!
Me: WHAT?!?!?! *angry+sad+afraid tone
They: What happened to your hand??? *started giving stupid idea but one of them got it right (in Tamil)

Me: Tried to act as though I was a pro in Tamil and said Ya, that's it. Sprained my hand *said in Tamil and it sounded really funny. I had some kind of slang!
They: OMG! How? Cha, go call "****"(HIM) now! Tell him she's hurt

Me: WTH!!! NOOO! 

They: Y lar? **** hit you is it? So bad la he!
Me: *trying to control my anger, gave them a wicked stare! If I had a knife, I surely would have stabbed Roshen brutally! Bwahahahaha!

They: *BUGGED OFF!!! (my stare always works!)

Conclusion: NEVER READ BOOK IN A RETARDED WAY ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE HIDING FROM TEACHER AND NEVER EVER TRUST HIS FRIENDS INCLUDING SOME OF MINE!!! THEY'RE CALLED FRENEMIES!!! ><

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

My Awesome Today:

 I got up with a real bad mood,was feeling emo for no reason and I was SICK! Headache and sore throat. Was about to have fever also but that yucky medicine helped!
*I was sick and wonder how I could call it awesome?! xD Real stupid I know! Heheh! xD

I saw a glimpse of him, well I THINK it was him. It was kinda dark and what I only saw was this prefect guy walking, was about to turn to the direction I was coming from, saw me (I guess) and quickly changed direction. That made me real curious. I rushed to find that guy missing. Looked around but he wasn't anywhere to be found (he vanished!!) It made me feel worst. I was AVOIDED! xD 

Assembly was kinda OK! Jason messed up my fringe. I felt like smashing his face. LOL. He got really scared and quickly said sorry. Felt bad for scolding Charath but I didn't mean too. I was just not in the mood. SICK!   Was so angry and couldn't release it, had tears rolling down my cheeks. But, I managed to stop em' cause I had no reasons to cry. Then, today I got to do my secret job again. Wheeee! Pn Asmah's speech was so funny and especially the way she stood on the stage stairs! LMAO!!! And I felt a whole lot better. 

We spent the day playing "Dare or Dare" instead of Truth or Dare. It was FUN! Then during Geo, me and Eunice went to fill water (I randomly followed, my water bottle was still full). I was looking around like an innocent kid. Then we went to 3 Mawar for fun. But I had my instinct telling me to go downstairs using that very staircase in front of that class (and now I wonder why I actually trusted my instincts!!) 

As we went down, I saw this guy who calls me **** (him)! He acted as though he didn't see me so I was like All is Well but then...but then...he shouted something that seriously got me shocked! I was hoping he wasn't there cause all I saw was that guy and another guy (Err, I forgot who it was) but when I reached the last step and turned, I...I...I saw HIM walking and coming and screamed "NOOO" in my head,slapped my forehead and quickly went to the other side.

I heard him calling out that guy's name and thought to myself "That fellar is so screwed from **** (him)! I felt so sorry for him. One part I turned and looked up, I saw Justin smiling to himself like a lunatic but I knew, it was because that guy was finished! Went back to class complaining to Eunice. In my head, thoughts of what happened to that guy lingered. 

After school ended, I was with Eunice and Charath but I had some kind of feeling. My instincts was like asking me to walk fast and be away from them (again I followed my instincts!! WTH)! I had to say "Excuse me" like for 10 times! I felt evil cause I had an evil look and a rude tone and my sleeves were all rolled up. 

When I reached down, I walked like normal and waited for Eunice. She came and told me it was a good thing I walked away fast because he was in front of them! I was too speechless. -.-

Conclusion:  Being avoided hurts but I gotta deal with it. I should start listening to my instincts because they tell me what is right. Weird feelings that I can't get by using only my brain.

P.S. I wasn't angry when they made fun of me with him. I was technically smiling in my head. But I have to put up an act like that to show...erm...to show...erm...err I have no idea to show what!

*Had nothing else to write, couldn't add pictures thanks to Aunt's freaking SLOW internet connection! So gonna re-edit this tomorrow!! >< LOL -I lost my mind-! Wheeeee! xD

I'm Lost

I'm battling with my own mind. The voices in my head are torturing me but silence doesn't help either.

Sometimes my mind goes dead silent despite the chaos happening around me. Deep down in me, I would be lost in a world of silence that I can't even hear or even concentrate on what the person next to me is saying.

I Don't Know!

 I don't feel anything. Its like for a moment,  I don't have feelings.  More to a puppet than human.  Lifeless.  And when reality hits me, it hits in a way that I lose control of myself.  I just don't know what to feel.  I'm confused. I'm lost. I NEED help but I don't WANT it.

My mind is overflowing. My head feels like bursting!! Frustration is taking control of me.

A Break?!

I've gotta learn to take the separation positively. Its more to a break I guess. Waktu Rehat?!?! Something like Mid Semester Break.  Its giving us some time to think well at least for me it is.  

"Have A Break, Have A Kit-Kat"

Haha...Kit-Kat anyone?

I have to say this to everyone even when I don't mean it. I still care...A LOT!

*My TO-DO List*

1. Avoid him (and if he coincidentally pops up in front of me, I must either close my eyes or look down and walk.) 
2. Never let eye contact (if it happens,  quickly look away and pretend it never happened.)
3. Stop thinking of him (act normal,  fill my mind with other happy thoughts, gotta keep myself real busy.)

Notes:

1. He ALWAYS appears to be around me. WTH!!!  And that unbothered look of his....hurts! =( I know he isn't happy to get to see me and that's why I MUST stay away from his sight. He's happy, I'm happy! =)
2. I hate it when he catches me looking at him! Its so unfair! What happened to privacy?
3. Hardest thing to do other than Maths! I mean get him out of my mind?! Mission impossible!! But, I HAVE to do it! 

Hope so it will! :/

I'll try my very best...Don't worry I wouldn't trouble you anymore! (:

Everything Is Gonna Be OK! (:

 

Sometimes all you need is a tiny bit of assurance saying that everything would be fine.  It could turn a frown upside down and makes life much more worthwhile than before.

 And when the assurance comes from the person you thought you've lost, you'll surely feel a whole lot better. To know that they still care,  still love you as much as they did before gives a sense of relief.  It throws away the feeling of insecurity.  It gives a weird pleasure and happiness.

Mixed Emotions !

WOW! No wonder I was so emo-ish today. I already felt it coming. But I couldn't prepare myself to face the bitter fact. You had to leave me and I understand why. I really do but in return don't expect me to leave you or even forget you. I'll wait for you even if you don't come back and I would never stop loving you. ITS A PROMISE. I'll just stop showing it and expressing it. I don't care if my friends say its a foolish act because all I want is to be with YOU even when you don't. If you could read what is in my heart, you'd be in tears.

I will always love you :)

You make me want to live, you make me want to die, all I can do is sit here and cry, I watch my tears fall to the floor, I don't think I can take it any more.

I feel dead! 

I deserve this pain cause I've never given you anything but pain and trouble. I've never been good enough for anyone. I am just a failure. It hurts so badly but owh hey I am a born actor. I'll just pretend as though it doesn't hurt and put on a fake smile. Its much easier than explaining to others how I really feel. 

I am not perfect!

"There's always a little truth behind every 'just kidding,' a little emotion behind every 'I don't care,' and a little pain behind every 'It's okay.' "

Here I am sitting and crying my heart out (I have no idea why! I should be happy right, that I've finally set you free, knowing the fact that I won't trouble you anymore?!) and at the same time chatting with some peeps who are sympathizing and advicing me. Trying my best to act cool with them, adding lots of :) ! But it just doesn't seem to appear on my face! 

I am a born actor! xD

Had you asking me to tell them a fake fact of why we broke up is far more painful than being told that we had to break up. It totally pissed me off!  

Sorry for making you think that I was worth the while.

So sorry that I loved you (if I didn't,you wouldn't had troubles)

Sorry that I needed you (I am a failure)

Sorry that I held you tight ( But now you're free)

Random Act Of Boredom!

Had Eunice back! So glad but too bad no more 100% focus in class like the past two days. Assembly and recess wasn't very fun cause I didn't get to do my "secret job"! Thanks to all those tall people who blocked my view. Why am I so short??!! 

School was kinda boring. Didn't get bullied. It was just too lame. I was kinda crazy but oh well I am like that most of the time,so no difference! Nothing much happened so technically this was such a BORING, LAME and SUCKISH day !!

I was so glad when finally it was time to go home and yipee I got to do my "secret job" without even getting caught for like the first time?! I was back in the mood and a smile carved on my face. Then...then...then...saw him passing by at the front and my mind was like "Dang!" and I was so freaking happy but had to hide it so he doesn't notice it. I acted as though I didn't bother he was there! Ergh, that was a torture! Eunice said "He's at the back" and I said "So?" with the not interested look (but in my mind I actually said YES, I know!! Wheeee!! =D )  And I was happy he was at the back instead of being at the front but I was also sad that he was at the back not at the front ( err...better view? xD )

I had to walk fast just to pretend as though I'm not bothered about him but that Eunice is just too slow. I was telling myself "Don't look back -x10" but at one part I had to and when I turned, he was exactly at the back of me, well a few steps away but I had a very CLEAR view of him and we kinda had eye contact. My mind went blank and I was like "Shoot!!" and quickly grabbed that Eunice and turned in front. And the wind was kinda irritating, my hair was flying!

I was in a shock and that's when my worst nightmare came....KELVINE! I almost got a heart-attack...I was at the front, he was few steps at the back and Kel was few paces away and if he saw us together, he would have created chaos. I had to leave so that Kel doesn't embarrass him. I don't mind since I'm used to it but he isn't. Haiz, once again I was just not lucky enough!


 

A Day Of My Life

AT HOME:

Today school started after 2 WEEKS of holiday! I had a really tough time getting up. It was kinda cold and I was snuggled up nicely in my blanket on my comfy bed thinking of happy thoughts and that's when mum came in and woke me up! I was like WTH!!! So fast??? NOOOO!!! Then all those peeps I was so eager to see came into my mind and I forced myself to get up. Had a sour face the whole time getting ready. 

IN THE BUS:

I entered the bus and all of them looked at me and then turned to look and smile at that one guy who always looks at me and then they turned back and smiled at me. A minute later they laughed and complimented me when I was still with the sour face and they said "Haha, awwww so cute lar", they stared at me,and at that guy with their cheeky smile,he smiled and continued staring at me (he always does that!!!!)  and I was like "Huh"? All of a sudden I got the mood and randomly said 'Hi' with a smile to him and he smiled back so broadly. I really like his smile! It was kinda quiet since the guy who usually I bully wasn't around and I wasn't in the mood to create chaos like I usually do.

AT SCHOOL :                                                                                                                                             

First thing I thought of before entering my class was LISAN! Found one of my group member and we had a short convo bout it. Kept my bag, arranged the tables, saw Eunice at the stairs and Hey! :D Realized,I forgot to bring my storybook so had to walk all the way to the Form 1 block to get one.Went down together with Eunice and on our way Neruban and Kartikeyan were at the back. And they were just staring at us like some fools and suddenly Neruban called 'Wooi' and I turned,he smiled, I stared and continued chit chatting with Eunice. Sheesh I had fun! Felt bad for not saying 'Hi' so turned to the back and found him giving the angry look. So scary. Then they disappeared. Poof! Lmfao with Charath during assembly and got to do my secret routine! Wheeeee, so glad to be back to normal. Eunice acted weird during assembly (hmm must have been her meds) !

IN CLASS:

I was trying my best to stay away from Kishen but that dosh bag got me! He was the first one to ask about my date with Shri. And that was when the whole gang turned and I became the center of attention!!!! WTH!!! Kishen, Kelvine, Vinnodth and even Eunice bullied me! Each and every one of them didn't leave a chance to ask me questions. I couldn't resist smiling and they all said I was BLUSHING! Vinnodth was like " Ashi was looking so cute that time,she was like that and Shri was like that (he gave demonstration of how we were in the picture ._.) Kelvine got corrupted and started crapping and adding stories of his own on what we did together. Sheeessshhhh! ><

During one of the free periods I was giving evil ideas to Eunice on how to get back on that JERK! And then we randomly started crapping bout our so called "private life"!

RECESS TIME:

Walked down with Eunice and saw HIM at the canteen. It was so hard to ignore. I so badly wanted to talk to him, at least a smile? But NO , I was looking at the floor the whole time,acting as if I don't know him. Ouch that hurts! He randomly caught one fellar and started talking to him. Busy much! -.- And again there he was right in front of ME and I still had to act as though we are strangers. My mind kept on telling me to say 'Hi' but since I already know I'm so not gonna get a reply, more to self-vadae, had to shut. Haiz saddest part of my life. =(

Minutes later, the gang came and found out that I and him was the topic again among the BT class girls. I freaked out and at that moment someone held my shoulders and pushed me all the way to a wall. I was wondering which one of my girlfriends was it but I couldn't turn to see who was it but I noticed that all of the peeps at the canteen were having the horrified look. And to my surprise, it was Harvi! He held my neck and pushed me real hard to the freaking wall! WTF!!! Real embarrassment!!! OMG!!! He was damn freaking close and it was really really REALLY scary!!! ERGH! Pushed him away and walked back to my place. Had so many people staring at me. They surely would have thought he is my boyfriend! Hechooo!!!

Then,once again the topic was about me and him! They're just not gonna let it go. Even Kuga joined in to bully me!

IN CLASS AGAIN:

Kelvine didn't stop talking bout it. I turned to look at Charath and he gave me the pity look. All of a sudden, he scolded Kelvine. He said " Kelvine, stop disturbing them. Let them live together lar!!!" The sentence was odd but it managed to stop Kelvine. Charath, my great savior! So good of him!

Pn.Zati came in to class and I randomly made her happy. She complimented about me. She said my BM very good. My handwriting very nice and neat and my language is very very good. "Ashini sangat bagus lah kamu. Tulisan kamu cantik dan kemas. Bahasa sangat bagus. Sangat bagus." And the whole class stared at me. Some smiling,some expressionless. I thought she was joking cause as far as I remember I ruined my karangan. A story about thief entering my house,blah,blah,blah. I spent the time daydreaming bout it instead of writing so I just randomly crapped what pooped into my mind at that time.  Then I was quietly doing the karangan work she gave when suddenly she said "Ashini, kamu tahu Vinnodth tulis nama kamu dalam surat dia??!!" with a cheeky smile. I was like "Apa??" (really shocked cause when I asked him after the exam, he said he wrote some random person's name that he forgot). She said " Dia tulis nama kamu" and then started lar all of them "Fuyooohhh"! He from at the back of me shouted and said " Ye cikgu, saya admit,saya tulis nama dia" and was like whatttt?????

Conclusion: The topic of the day was about me and him. And they matched-make me with four guys!!! The first one, I don't mind cause its true, but the other three??!! Haiz!

Goodbye

Bidding farewell to someone is NEVER easy. Although we do keep in touch with each other by unlimited phone calls, text messages,etc but being together in person has its own magical feeling.

Phone calls can't replace the joy I get when you're around

We say goodbye to the one we love without wanting to but that doesn't mean we stop loving them. Sometimes goodbye is just a painful way of saying "Don't leave me. I need you" but its said in a way that the person could never understand.

As much as you want them to stay, they still need to go. Goodbyes are hard for the person leaving, but it's always hardest for the one left behind. It breaks my heart; it makes me sad to think of all the times we had.

You made me laugh and you made me cry and now it's time to say goodbye....I don't want to say goodbye, but some things just can't be avoided.

I'm gonna miss you :(

Guess, I'll wait here and countdown till the next time I would get to see you again. A friend like is worth the wait.

I'll wait

Live. Laugh. Love

Life is the most precious gift given by God, you know why? Cause we are given only one chance to live it and we should learn how to appreciate it so LIVE like you're never going to die, LAUGH until your chest hurts and LOVE everyone like you would love yourself.

I'm 14 but I am sure I am living my life better than a 20. Not because I am still a teenager but because I know how to live my life. We have to follow our heart to live life to the fullest and that is what I do. Don't judge the way I live by just watching me live it instead spend a day with me and live your life the way I live mine and then judge.

Here we go,  Come with me

There's a world out there that we should see

Take my hand, Close your eyes

With you right here, I'm a rocketeer

Let's fly,

Up,up, here we go,go

Up,up, here we go, go

Let's fly,

Up,up, here we go,go

Up,up,here we go,go

Where we stop,nobody knows,knows   

I like dancing in the rain! The dropping water has its own soothing power. I stare at the sun! Light is an essential part of our life. I love talking a short walk outside at night and enjoy the cool breeze and the wonderful nature God created. It makes me feel free. I like playing with dirt like the soil. Its so amazing .

And yeah I do crazzzyyyy stuffs like all the time. If being happy is called childish, then I am proud to be one. YES, I AM CHILDISH. THANKS! I see the world through a different perspective. I see the brighter side of life, the carefree, enjoyable part of it instead of the stress and busyness. But based on the current economy level, money is what people want that they forgot the most important thing they have...LIFE.  No matter how busy we get, we should always find time for ourselves.