Broken Promises And Broken Hearts

If only I could turn back time,

I'd have what was once mine.

Mood: :(


Isn't it funny how we cannot laugh at one joke everytime it is said but we can cry over that one specific thing over and over again?

In a blink of an eye, 10 months has passed but the pain is still so fresh, it makes me think it was only yesterday it all came crashing down on me. I've been living with that hurt for 10 months, I'm surprised I'm not numb to it.

Spent everyday of 9 months crying and still continuing. I forget which month it was when I promised myself to never cry again for that crap. It worked until one day I just became dumb again. As they say, promises are meant to be broken even those that you make to yourself. It's just so hard to push away those sick feelings, the haunting memories of how much shit I have tolerated countless of times and the good ones that I wish to go back to and never let go off.

I have only cried this much for one person other than him but that was out of guilt. This one, well it's because of all those harsh words, those mean streaks, the lies, the ignorance, the cruelty in behaviour, the increasing distance, the lack of communication, his hatred towards me and the unexplained reason of why things happened the way they did.

If I treated you the way you treated me, you would hate me but look again, you already did with me having to do anything.

I still have no idea what went wrong or what I did wrong till he really hates me, like it was all my fault.
Was it?
All I remember is being the girl who had put up with all his crap and continuously supported him, was there for him when he was upset, cared for him and ended up being treated so badly.

After all I have done for you, you threw me away like I was trash and it hurts so much but it's okay, I know you don't care.

 It just leaves me alone, miserable. I try so hard to not give a shit yet the fact that he found his ego was greater is just so unacceptable.
Sorry doesn't make things right. They never do.

He is so near yet so far. So reachable yet impossible.
He had never been honest to me.
All I need is for him to explain the reason. The right one. Not the one that would please me or save him from guilt. Being mean to me isn't a big help either. It just make things worse.
All I want from him is to be honest to me. For once. Thats it. I swear I won't scold or irritate him by asking so many questions. I promise. If only.
Kamz and Thava asked me to ask and get it done with but Kuga said there's no point expecting the truth from a guy who constantly lied to me about everything. Every single thing.

He said he changed a lot. He said he wants to be a person.
Change is just a word to him. I'm the one who technically faced his changes. Just took in every hurtful words of his and tried to change it into anger, hatred. It worked for a while but didn't hold up for too long. Why? I have no explanation for that. All I know I have cried too much but I'm still not tired of it.

Me: I'm over him.

Him: Hi.

Me: Kidding. 

I don't know how he felt or feels. He's completely different. Not the person I used to know. Change. Yeah. Change.

Yes, I do get jealous when I see him with other girls. I'm very possessive of whats mine. As I said before, even it isn't mine anymore, it once was and I had full rights on it so seeing another with my belonging is so not tolerable. No no no. I don't care. He's gonna think I'm nuts? Whatever. Yes, I did say stuffs about him on the previous posts but don't I have the rights to do that? I don't care. That guy owes me big time.

I hate the idea of anyone else having you